Maiden to Mother Part 1: A Shift in Energy

 I was at one point in my life convinced I would never have kids of my own. Always the fun Aunt, the free spirited - never tied down friend. The one who was always mother- like, never a mother. Most all of my life people thought I had kids, maybe it was due to my cancerian nurturing energy or because I am the oldest of four and grew up helping my mom with my little brothers that it just became part of who I am. Another reason I was convinced of this was because I always thought I'd be "single"; hence the "never tied down", never finding someone who could love me for me. 

I’ve been called crazy, too much, too emotional, stupid, too sexual, you name it. Being in a relationship with someone and having that "label" changed me every time, no matter how much I tried to stay ME. I conformed to his way, I became submissive, soft, afraid to voice my opinion, afraid of conflict and afraid of abandonment. (Something I wasn't conscious of until this current relationship) So instead of going inward and actually looking at that part of myself to heal it, I pushed it down and ignored it.

Fast forward to my late twenties, I decided enough with struggling and started working on bettering myself, for myself. I tuned into my natural ability to help people and worked on developing my psychic and clairvoyant abilities and everything started to make sense. Fast forward again to my early thirties and this is when I experienced pregnancy for the first time; energetic pregnancy that is. I was energetically pregnant with the baby my mom had a miscarriage with before getting pregnant with me. Crazy right?! Yeah, I thought so to until one of my psychic teachers clarified there was a baby in my space. I had to spiritually connect with this soul and release her, this was the message I was receiving from her, that it was time for her to be free. I know this sounds nuts, but every day my hand would be on my stomach and this deep feeling kept saying "baby". I would sit and close my eyes and feel like there was an actual baby inside me. Which would have made me the freaking Virgin Mary because at that point I was not engaging in intercourse so how on Earth could I possibly be pregnant? So, after connecting with her and energetically freeing her, I physically released her, in a toilet, while I was at work, in a warehouse. I actually felt the release and when I looked in the toilet, it literally looked like the embryo of a baby. I lost it. There in the bathroom stall in a warehouse I cried. I mourned the "loss" of this child and celebrated her freedom and mine. After that moment, things shifted in my life. No one assumed I had kids anymore, kids started looking at me differently, and I felt alone. Not a bad alone, just alone, with myself, as if someone had always been with me and I just never realized it.

Fast forward about two years and I'm living in a new place with the guy that would soon be the father of my child. When I met him all my walls were up, I blocked the love he was showing me. Which makes sense due to the unhealed trauma from childhood and past relationships I still held in my subconscious and within my body. It took a lot of inner work to get me to the point where I actually believed I deserved to be loved. Thank God he was persistent and never gave up on me, I can be stubborn sometimes. 

Honestlly I'm not sure if it was moving to a moist environment, from Reno to Oregon, really feeling secure in a relationship, or just timing; probably a mixture of eveything since everything is connected, my body opened up to him like never before. Almost exactly one month after my fur baby of 15 years, my soul Sistar, and his childhood friend all transitioned, I got pregnant. And what a shock it was. Like I mentioned in the beginning of this story, I never thought I'd have kids in this life and neither did he. We were convinced of it. Shit, all the times I could have and didn't. Goes to show that Universe/ God/ Goddess always has a plan and some times it is something you would have never imagined. 

To be cont....